Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Random spiritual realization... who do you speak to when you pray?

I've never been on unemployment. I'm 26 years-old, and I've been working, for the most part, regularly since I was 16. I applied for disability once in 2009 after rolling my Honda Civic off the 170 fwy. I got it; and, I was speechless. At $400 a week, I was beyond ecstatic, I'd actually be able to pay my rent and continue my undergrad at a local university. Since then, I've graduated college, the economy has plummeted ever further, and I still haven't found a job outside of waitressing. I applied for unemployment two weeks ago, and today I received a letter about my benefits. They're for $63 a week. I was mortified, that will barely cover my car insurance. And then I remembered that I've had almost $0 for the last two months, and that this is HELP.

I look up at the ceiling and I'm sorry comes out of my mouth as if I'm talking to the god version I was introduced during Sunday mass in the Catholic Church around the corner from my childhood home. I quickly remembered the god I know is a part of me, inside me and consciousness reminds Look Inward. Speak inward. So I close my eyes and look inside and say  I'm sorry for being ungrateful, thank you for this help. It's weird encountering your self engaging in old routines when your core beliefs have shifted  far away from the ones you internalized in youth. I guess that only thing that comes from this is a reminder to be more aware of your actions, words and spiritual process.